What your texting etiquette says about you
Wait too long to text back — rude much? Receiving the dreaded thumbs up react — you’re the victim of a passive-aggressive missile. Text back too quickly — too keen.
I’ve never resonated more to a meme than the one that reads: When I don’t reply to a text, it’s because I’m busy. When someone doesn’t respond to my text, it’s because they hate me.
In 2024, texting feels like a minefield. Like you’re tiptoeing around concealed mines that could go off at any time.
Wait too long to text back — boom, rude much? Receiving the dreaded thumbs up react — boom, you’re the victim of a passive-aggressive missile. Text back too quickly — boom, too keen. A double text — boom, cringe. Forget you received the text and don’t reply at all — double boom, the recipient is dead to you.
Despite my lifetime membership to the People-Pleaser’s Club (the cancellation has been pending for years) I’m guilty of all of the above — except the thumbs up, I’ll leave that for the straight-shooters, the cantankerous and the dads.
My reply — or lack thereof — is rarely because I’m trying to keep the recipient on their toes, rather it was all I could manage while doing the work-life balance dance. Choreography my tiny mind often can’t grasp.
If I’m feeling particularly procrastinaty one day, better believe you’re receiving a timely, lengthy and yappy message. If my phone is in my hand, you might receive a reply within 0.5 seconds. If you’re asking me an important question that I don’t have to think too deeply about, your phone will be pinging stat.
But if I’ve had a packed day, or am feeling a bit blah, my name won’t pop up on your phone until my next rest or coffee. That is unless it’s a crisis, massive moment or some excellent gossip.
I had a friend who would take days, sometimes weeks to reply to my messages. Even the important ones.
This friend was rarely without their phone in hand, and as I’d watch their Instagram stories my growing rage would take each one as a personal insult to our friendship. Each smiley image highlighted that social media was more important to them than me, and they HATED me.
Have I mentioned I’m also climbing the ladder in the Overthinkers Club?
I’d always known that communication in a friendship was important, but this scenario made me realise just how vital it was to keep mine alive.
Some friendships thrive on loyalty or shared interests, others on honesty and trust. Different communication styles aren’t always a deal-breaker, but for me, feeling heard and appreciated is my friendship love language.
There was a time when ruminating on text etiquette was viewed as silly and pointless, and for some it probably still is. But I’ve always found this attitude disregards the inherently natural worry that comes as someone close to you changes their behaviours.
We’ve likely all dated someone whose two minute replies slowly but surely stretch out to two hours, then two days. Then poof, they’re gone.
Chances are you’ve grown increasingly frustrated at a friend who stops messaging when they’re in a new relationship, then are back pinging your phone on multiple platforms when they’re single again.
And I’m sure we’re all guilty of writing and rewriting a text to let your boss know you’re sick (even our heads are filled with snot), or composed a long-winded essay that in summation simply says you have to cancel upcoming dinner plans.
On a recent Life Uncut podcast episode, in which a listener wrote in a question asking if it’s OK to double text, it was affirming to hear Laura and Brittany decipher text etiquette and maintain that how someone texts — particularly if it changes over time — matters.
As millennials grow increasingly allergic to talking on the phone, texting is our key form of communication when we’re not face-to-face.
We’d internally scrutinise if a partner suddenly took their affection away, or stared at us blankly when asked a question, so changes to text etiquette is worth (over)thinking too.
Recognising changing texting behaviour can be tricky — sometimes people are executing a slow ghost but other times they’re just busy. Changing your own texting communication style can be a challenge too.
Some etiquette I’ve borrowed from a clever friend — to ease the nervous system of the people sitting at home thinking you hate them — is to shoot off a quick reply saying you’ve seen the message, and you’ll reply when you have a chance to be present.
It also pays to be honest, and being vulnerable over text is easier than having the conversation in person. When you’re having a rough trot, or spending less time looking at your screen, let your friends know.
Also, give people the same grace. New mums might write back in 30 seconds or 30 days, and that’s OK. Same goes for the friend starting a new job, or going through a personal tragedy.
Some text exchanges — and it’s with great sadness that I say this — should be a phone call or in-person chat. I once had a boss who would reply to every question I had over text or email with a joke, a face-to-face was the only way to get a clear answer from them.
And if you do double text, don’t fret, just get a new number, move countries and enjoy your new life and family in Spain.